Fashion

I have a theory. It may not be an orginal one but hey ho. My theory is this: fashion designers are in cahoots with gym chains. Why do I think this? Hello, have you seen what's in fashion this season? The average woman in the UK is a size 14. Yes, a size 14. So what delights do designers (and high street designers are just as much to blame here) have for us? Leggings, jumper dresses, bodies and ankle boots. That's what.

Here's my problem with all of these items. I'll take each one in turn.

Leggings: Lots of larger ladies wear leggings because they think they're flattering. What kind of mirror were they looking in? Leggings will never ever flatter you if you are larger than a size 10 and under 5ft 8". They just make you look even larger. I have been known to wear leggings myself. But only, I hasten to add, under a knee length dress. I did this because my legs are extremely pale and I couldn't be arsed to apply fake tan. Lycra is not a miracle fabric designed to hold in your tummy and large backside. Just the opposite in fact; its actually made to make you look like two tonne Tessie. Just don't go there. Please.

Jumper dresses: I tried aforesaid item on once in a shop in London. It was tragic. It clung to all my lumps and bumps and made my backside look as though two very large pillows had been stuffed down my knickers. The back of the dress was at least two inches shorter than the front (my backside caused it to ride up) and I looked at least 6 months pregnant. I did think about buying it just so that I could get a seat on the tube but then I remembered that Londoners are miserable sods who never give up their seats. Ever (ooh I feel another blog coming on....)

Bodies: My personal favourite. Which foolish designer thought us ladies might like to invest our hard earned cash in a top with knickers attached? Hmmm, great idea. Not. In the 1980s/90s when I was a young and foolish follower of fashion I actually bought a body and wore it on nights out. Have you ever tried to fasten poppers in a grotty nightclub toilet whilst drunk? I have and believe me it ain't a pretty sight.

Ankle Boots: Fine under a pair of trousers. Dreadful with a skirt or dress. Ankle boots cut your legs in half and unless you are built like a supermodel you are going to look stupid. Repeat after me. I will not wear ankle boots with a skirt. I don't really see the point in ankle boots to be honest. They look stupid unless worn under trousers. My advice, buy a nice pair of knee length boots. They'll go with anything. Actually, that's not true. They will not look good tucked into skinny jeans. Kate Moss can do this and look fab, the average woman on the street will look a fool.

And while we are on the subject of pointless items of fashion, I have to talk about a couple of my other favourites: the sleeveless polo neck and the shoes which have a label on stating: not suitable for outdoor wear.

First, the sleeveless polo neck. An absolutely useless item of clothing. What's the point in wearing something that will keep your neck warm and not your arms? Go and buy a polo neck with sleeves.

Shoes only suitable for indoor wear: I think they're called slippers.

Apparently mustard is one of the colours this season. Hello? Mustard? Who the hell looks good in mustard?

Oh, I love fashion!