Why men are like shoes

A while ago I started writing a book with a friend of mine. It was called ‘Dating Disasters and how to live happily ever after (sort of)’. One of the chapters was entitled ‘Men are like shoes’ and I thought it was rather good. So I am sharing it with all you lucky people.

My theory is this: shoes and men are very similar (in a random kind of way). Like shoes, there are many different varieties of men. Some are comfortable like a nice pair of trainers and others are totally useless, rather like a pair of six inch stilettos which hurt like hell. Some men are like a pair of wellies: wet and not very nice to look at. Are you beginning to see where I’m coming from? Good.

Kitten heels (definition for male readers: kitten heels are thin and not very high, they have a sort of hourglass shape)

Every woman should own a pair of kitten heels. They look good, are reliable and most of the time they’re quite comfortable. Sometimes they get stuck in grating and dodgy paving stones but you just get them re-heeled. A good man is like a pair of kitten heels. Reliable, stylish and comfortable.

Kitten heel man: stylish and good looking, a bit like your best gay friend.

Stilettos (high skinny heels and are not very comfortable)

Stilettos are sleek, stylish (unless they are white) and have killer heels. And therein lies the rub. They may look good but they will never treat you right and will probably give you blisters. Stilettos are addictive and can look very sexy. However, they are not practical and if you twist your ankle in them it will hurt.

In short, stilettos will make you cry.

Stiletto man: good looking, but shallow and will definitely break your heart.

Slippers (shoes that you wear indoors, usually very warm and not very sexy. Note: women do not wear those stupid high heeled marabou trimmed slippers you can buy in naughty underwear shops, they are uncomfortable and could cause serious injury especially if you do the vacuuming in them)

Every woman owns a pair of comfy slippers. They are a bit like a nice, reliable bloke. You come home, kick your heels off and put them on. Slippers will never let you down and will keep you snug and toasty.

Slipper man: dependable, comfortable and reliable. In short, your dad.

Trainers (men: you will definitely have at least one pair of these, they are your weekend shoes, the other pair you own are for work)

Trainers kick ass. They can look cool, are comfortable and you can wear them all day without them hurting. They’re dependable, don’t look dorky and you can run a mile in them. Every woman should own at least one pair.

Trainer man: fit, good looking and comfortable: your boyfriend of five years.

Boots (no, not the thigh high PVC variety)

Boots can look very sexy, keep you warm and dry when it rains. Practical and stylish, boots go with just about anything. They also come in different, ahem, lengths.

Boot man: sexy and stylish a bit like that guy in the office you’ve had your eye on.