Women really are from Venus

We all know that women and from Venus and men are from outer space. Men can’t understand why women need so many pairs of shoes, why they get a bit emotional once a month and they really don’t get the fact that we can’t map read.

Men, a word of advice: when a woman says she is fine it means she’s not. When she asks if she looks fat in her new dress she wants you to say no, not well, now that you say it and if you are in a restaurant and she asks you whether you would like dessert she would really like you to say yes. This is because she wants to order that sticky toffee pudding but feels she will look like a pig if you don’t have one too.

If you ask a woman to map read and she looks a bit worried please bear in mind that this is because she can’t read maps (yes, I know lots of women can, I’m not being sexist, just speaking from experience). I cannot tell my left from right so when you ask me which way you should turn and I say “that way” I expect you to look at me and not the road. Yes I know this is dangerous but it takes me a while to work out which way left is and which way right is. Also, please don’t ever ask me to direct you at a roundabout with lots of exit points. I find this very very scary. I also don’t like it when you ask me which exit you need to take from the M1. As a man I expect you to know these kinds of things. My job is to sing along to the radio and feed you as you are driving 90mph.

To me a car is just a car. I don’t care if it goes 0-100mph in 2 seconds or that it’s got an amazing engine that purrs like a cat. Actually when I said a car is just a car that’s not true. I’d quite like it to have a big boot for all my shopping and I’m also quite partial to air conditioning. That way you don’t have to wind down all the windows so that my hair gets messy.

Also, I am not really very interested in that amazing goal that some footballer I have never heard of just scored. I might perk up if he is good looking but I will quickly lose interest. Watching Match of the Day on a Saturday night is my idea of hell. So is watching Top Gear or anything on the Men and Motors channel. I will never appreciate the assets of Jade on Page Three of The Sun and the Daily Star is not, and never will be, my newspaper of choice.

When I say the word need I mean it in the loosest sense. My needs are different to yours and yes I do need 40 pairs of shoes and 20 bags. Each pair of shoes has been carefully selected to match an outfit and each bag has its use.

When I say that Carrie from Sex and the City is my heroine please don’t say “what that bird off the telly with weird dress sense?” Carrie is unique and you will never understand why she is a fashion icon.

If I cry when watching a soppy film on TV don’t laugh at me. The chances are I have PMT and anything will make me cry.

Yes I do know all the words to “I will survive” and yes I probably had a crush on a member of a boy band when I was a teenager.

I’m sorry if you don’t appreciate the full value of a bar of Dairy Milk. Chocolate to me is what a pint of lager with your mates is to you.

I must go now, I need to have a good old fashioned gossip with my friends.