Modern Tube etiquette

1. As the tube pulls into the platform and you see a vacant seat, barge onto the carriage without waiting for passengers to get off first. Throw yourself into the seat and smile smugly. Yes you have been sitting on your arse all day behind a desk but who cares?

2. If you are a man spread your legs as wide as possible and force the person into a space about ten inches wide. Women in particular really like having their space invaded. It makes us realise that men have enormous penises and just have to give their thighs some breathing space.

3. Never ever speak or smile to anyone on the tube. Yes you might share the same carriage with the girl wearing the brown coat everyday but this does not give you the right to make eye contact, or heaven forbid, smile. If you do smile or make eye contact, you are clearly a nutter.

4. If you are listening to music make sure that everyone in the carriage can hear it too. If you think the guy sitting right down the other end can’t hear it, turn it up! Personal stereos are made for sharing.

5. Never ever move down the aisles. Always block the doors and never actually step off the carriage to let someone off. This might mean you lose your place, you know the one that has a sign saying reserved for me next to it?

6. If you see someone standing close to you who clearly needs a seat pretend you can’t see them. If you have a book pretend to be totally engrossed in it. Closing your eyes and feigning sleep also works quite well.

7. If you are standing in the centre of the carriage, always lean against the handrail – you know the one that people like to hold onto in case they tube stops suddenly – if you use your whole body to lean against it short people have nothing to hold on to. They like that, it means they can practice the art of balance.

8. If you are a tube driver and you have to stop in the middle of a tunnel, never tell passengers what is happening. We like to make stories up in our heads. It's much more fun and passes the time.

9. If you are travelling on the tube at the weekend and have a newspaper, make sure you discard all the sections you don’t want to read. Either leave them on the seat next to you or better still dump them on the floor.

10. Hungry tube travellers must always make sure that the food they eat on the tube is as smelly as possible. Kebabs, burgers, chips etc. It also helps if the food is really greasy as you can then wipe your hands all over the seats.