Stupid machines

Machines don’t like me. It’s true. In fact they hate me.

Whenever I go near a photocopier they stop working. It’s like they know me and can sense that I don’t like them. A bit like a cat except when a cat knows you don’t like it, it rubs itself up against your legs just to piss you off. Whenever I tried to photocopy something in the office the machine would take one look at me and then chew up the paper. Call me paranoid but it happens a lot.

Take this morning, I swiped my Metro Pass and it refused to let me through. I had to swipe it a further three times before it decided that it had annoyed me enough. This happens every time I use the damn thing. It doesn’t happen to anyone else around me. And believe me I pay close attention.

My Oyster card would do the same. No actually, what my Oyster card did was far worse. I would place my card on the reader and the barrier would open. Just as I was walking through, the barrier would close, trapping me. I would have to struggle free and then nurse my bruised arm. I should sue. Once it trapped me and my grocery shopping. My loaf of bread got a bit squashed. I try to get through as fast as I can but it doesn’t seem to matter. It always gets me.

Take my Laptop, most of the time it works just fine and then every so often just when I am in the middle of doing something really important, like writing a new post for my blog, it decides to crash. How nice of it. I treat it well, give it a clean every now and then, make sure its virus free and let it have a bit of a sleep at night and that’s how it treats me.

Don’t you just hate that bloody annoying paper-clip thing that pops up every now and then? It thinks it can help you but all it does is raise it’s ‘eyebrow’ at you and then just says sorry I don’t know the answer to that one. How about when it pops up and says “I think you are writing a letter”. No, I know I’m writing a letter and if I want your bloody advice I’ll ask for it. Now bugger off and leave me alone. You can get other characters that can help you if you don’t like the paperclip. There’s a dog and even an Einstein character. Who are they kidding?

I think one day machines will take over the world like they do in “I Robot” and when they do I’m running for the hills. That’s if they don’t trap me in a stupid Tube barrier first and keep me prisoner for the rest of my life.