What happened to Thank You?

Call me old-fashioned but I’m the kind of girl who quite likes it when someone opens a car door for me, helps me with my coat or holds a door open for me. It’s nice.

I don’t get offended if a man asks me if I would like his seat on the tube (as long as he doesn’t ask me when I am due) and I certainly wouldn’t say no if a kind gentleman offered to carry my suitcase up a flight of stairs.

A lot of Londoners have really shocking manners. You see it everywhere. In shops, on public transport, on the streets. Ignorance is everywhere and it really riles me. As my mum says “manners cost nothing”.

Once I was on a bus on my way to work and I had a nosebleed. I didn’t have a tissue in my bag and so I asked the man sitting next to me if he had one. He looked me up and down and said “no, I don’t”, then went back to his FT. I was so shocked that I didn’t know what to say (and that is not normal for me). I had one last rummage in my bag and you know what I used to stop the bleeding? A sanitary towel – how dignified. I hope the man who declined to help me had a really shit day and I also hope that one day he has a terrible nosebleed and stains his lovely Thomas Pink shirt. How’s that for Karma?

I really hate it when people don’t say thank you when you hold open a door for them – and I usually shout out “Thank you, you’re welcome”. I’m like that. A bit gobby.

Living in New York has made me realise just how rude Londoners are. I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times someone has said thanks when I’ve held a door for them. Here, everyone says thanks. It’s polite and means that you have noticed that the door didn’t stay open on its own.

Once I was on the Tube (yes, manners are virtually non-existent on the Tube) and there was a spare seat. As no-one seemed to be moving towards the seat I thought I’d sit down. There was an ugly looking man standing in front of the seat and so I said very politely “Excuse me, do you mind if I sit down?” Without even looking up from his book he said “Yes I do actually.” I was stunned. He didn’t want the seat but didn’t want anyone else to have it either! I really hoped that a small child projectile vomited over him on his way to work the next day.

You see, that’s how I deal with ignorant people. I wish bad things on them. Not really bad things, just little things that would inconvenience them. My favourite is to wish that they lose their purse/wallet. See, not really bad, but very inconvenient.

My top ten examples of bad manners:

1. Not saying thank you when I hold open a door.
2. Throwing litter.
3. Eating smelly food on public transport.
4. Pretending not to see that old/disabled person as you feign sleep on the Tube.
5. Men scratching their private parts in public. Dogs do it, humans don’t.
6. Women who file their nails, comb their hair or apply make-up on public transport. It’s so undignified. Just get up 30 mins earlier OK?
7. Queue jumpers. Just get in line like everyone else.
8. Shop assistants who think it’s a real chore to serve you. If you don’t like your job get another one. Preferably one where you don’t have to deal with the general public.
9. Talking very loudly on a mobile on the bus.
10. Drivers who run red lights. That’s called breaking the law dick-heads.

I think people should have to attend a manners class. We should employ manners police who can arrest someone for being rude. Wouldn’t that be fun? I’d volunteer for the job, I’d never be bored.