My New Years Resolutions

Every year I make a few resolutions. By January 5 I have broken most of them. Here are my resolutions for 2007.

1. I will stop buying Caramel Machiatto’s on more than one day of the week. I will not tell myself on Monday’s that I am allowed to have one because its Monday, and on Tuesday’s that I can have one because I have a boring meeting to attend and I need to keep awake, and on Wednesdays because I was really good in the gym and ran 5k……

2. I will not open a bottle of wine when I am home alone and drink all of it because if I don’t then it will go off.

3. I will not buy an item of clothing because it looks really good on Kate Moss and therefore will look just as good on me. Kate Moss is skinny and 5ft 7. I am not skinny (see Caramel Machiattos) and 5ft 2.

4. I will stop watching back to back episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and get dreamy over Dr McDreamy. I am 35, not 15.

5. I will definitely stop telling myself that I will learn Spanish/French/Russian/whatever in the forthcoming year. I say this every year and it never happens.

6. I will stop buying shoes with 4 inch heels or higher. I am not Posh Spice and don’t have the luxury of travelling round in a Limo.

7. I will learn how to cook a simple meal that is not a stir fry.

8. I will not watch any reality TV. Instead I will buy myself some classic books I really should read and pretend to be intelligent. I will not cheat and find out what happened in aforementioned shows on websites or in tabloid newspapers.

9. I will stop fooling myself into thinking that one day I will run the London Marathon. I am 35 and my knees are not what they used to be. Plus I don’t fancy the nipple rash much.

10. I will be a good person, drink less, eat more greens, become more interested in world affairs, visit the theatre more often (musicals do not count), not lose my temper with the fools that surround me on the tube and smile at at least 10 strangers a day.

Happy 2007!

Happy New Year and all that baloney

I really hate New Years Eve. Call me a miserable so and so if you like but I just hate the whole ‘Auld Lang Syne’ crap. I mean, does anyone actually know what the words mean? Go and google it, I dare you. And then learn all the words.

New Years Eve is a bit like Valentines Day. Everything costs twice the price and restaurants introduce Prix Fixe menus which is French for “Lets serve them crap and make em pay through the nose” Cabs are non-existent and if you can find one it costs double and if you live in the Northern Hemisphere its bloody freezing.

Do I sound like a 95 year old yet? Good.

I hate the fact that drunken strangers kiss you and wish you a Happy New Year. You can bet your bottom dollar that you could be standing next to that person on the Tube on January 2 and they wouldn’t even look you in the eye. They’d probably even shove you out of the way for that last seat.

For the last few years I’ve stayed in, eaten chocolate and then retired to bed about 11.30 with ear plugs. Oooh I love being a rebel!

The last time I went out “properly” for New Years was Millennium Eve. We went to a party somewhere in Essex and had to leave pretty sharpish at about, oooh, ten passed midnight after a massive fight broke out. My cousin who was driving sprained her ankle and it took us forever to drive back through the centre of London because everyone was out getting drunk in Trafalgar Square. Oh yeah, and that was the year the world’s technology was supposed to crash and burn. Apparently someone forgot to set the computer to 00. As if. I mean, you spend your life creating amazing new technology and then forget that in 2000 the last two digits would be 00. Oh please.

The Tube is free on New Years Eve. Great. Have you ever tried to use it? You have to wait for about an hour to get into the tube station due to overcrowding and then another 30 mins to get on a train that isn’t full to the rafters with drunks.

And what are we going to be this New Years Eve? Cruising round New York Harbour on a boat with lots of foreigners of course. We refrain from using the word tourist because we know how the subway works and don’t need a map to get around (most of the time).

Hey, we might not ever be in New York for New Year again so I thought we’d make an exception. When in Rome right?

Spot the Drunk

I like to talk about drunk people and binge drinking – I did it every day for four years in my last job so it’s a topic close to my heart.

In my last blog I talked about the fact that there are no drunk people in New York. This time I thought it would be fun to talk about the different types of drunk you see on a night out. Recognise anyone you know?

Weeping Wendy

Wendy really can’t handle her drink. After a couple of G&T’s the water begins to flow. She cries about the fact that she hates her job, that she’s still single, that her ex boyfriend who dumped her five years ago is now happily married, that she needs to lose weight, that she never has any money (too many G&T’s). Everything. At the end of the night Wendy’s the one in the toilets wailing while her friends pass her tissues. If you want to know why there’s never any loo roll, ask Wendy.

Peter the Peacock

The more Peter drinks, the more he thinks he’s the best looking, most intelligent man in the room. He preens and pushes out his chest just like a Peacock. He thinks he has all the best chat up lines and works the room like he’s George Clooney. Trouble is Peter is 40, balding and lives with his mum. Poor Peter.

Suzy the Slapper

Suzy’s the kind of girl who dances on tables, snogs strangers and shows everyone her knickers. She likes to drink cocktails with innuendo-laced names like Slow Comfortable Screw and Screaming Orgasm. She’s really classy and after a few tacky cocktails she really is anyone’s.

Andrew the Aggressor

By day Andrew is a normal bloke with a normal job. He might have a decent girlfriend and a mortgage.

By night, and after a few drinks, Andrew is a violent thug who likes to cause trouble and pick fights.

Vomiting Vicky

Poor Vicky. She never learns. She has a few glasses of wine and whoosh, she vomits. Usually in a very public place which really annoys and embarrasses her friends. Vicky needs to remember drinking on an empty stomach is never a good idea.


Sleazy Stevie

He’s the one propping up the bar and eyeing up all the ladies. Stevie sometimes pretends to be Mario, the Italian Stallion but he’s really from Pinner. If you’re standing by a bar and you feel a hand on your bum, that’ll be Stevie. He often sports a black eye.

Where are all the drunks?

OK, so it’s the week before Christmas. A time for last minute shopping, preparing for the relatives to come and stay and most importantly a time to go out with your friends/workmates/clients and get absolutely slaughtered.

Or at least that’s what you would do if you were a binge drinking Brit.

Last Saturday we were coming home on the subway after going to see a basketball game. It was about 10.15 and the carriage was very busy when it suddenly occurred to me. Everyone in the carriage was sober. We were in full blown “party season” and no-one was pissed.

There were no loud drunks falling all over the place singing “Merry Christmas Everyone” or giggling girls telling their mates how they really really loved them.

In fact, you can walk around Manhattan at midnight any weekend of the year and you can probably count the number of drunks on the street on the fingers of one hand.

Now think about Leicester Square at midnight on a Saturday and what do you see? Yep, girls falling over and showing their knickers, blokes pushing out their chests and showing off in front of their mates. Men and women fighting. People being sick, urinating, singing, swearing. My, aren’t we a pretty sight?

A few people have asked me why I think our relationship with alcohol is so, well, strange, and I don’t really know the answer. Brits are a lot more reserved than Americans. It takes a lot more for us to talk to strangers, dance or even just loosen up. New Yorkers tend to smile more, are more polite and much less reserved and maybe that’s one of the reasons.

Maybe we are so reserved that we just can’t enjoy ourselves without getting drunk. Scary but perhaps true. Lots of my friends (me included) won’t dance unless they have had a few drinks – I think it’s called Dutch Courage – see even the word courage implies that alcohol has some qualities that help us become braver.

I don’t think we’ll ever really understand why we love to binge drink and make fools of ourselves. It’s just something inherently British (and Irish and Scottish….). In the meantime I’m going to enjoy my nights my drunk and fight free nights out in a City just as diverse and crazy as London.

Dear diary

I’ve decided to quit ranting for a while and use my blog as more of a diary. That way I don’t have to email people with updates (like you really want to read them!).

The weather has gotten very cold now and everyone is wrapped up against the elements. The wind here is awful and it really hits you when you go outside. There’s no room for fashion in this City in the winter – its wear as many layers as possible and forget about looking good. New York is nowhere near as stylish London and there’s a dearth of good cheap shops like Top Shop, New Look and of course, Primark.

Last week I became an Aunt for the first time. My brother and his girlfriend had a baby boy. He’s been a bit poorly with an infection and jaundice but hopefully he will be out of hospital soon. Sadly he looks just like my brother did as a baby, resplendent with red hair and a screwed up face ;) I also turned 35 which was very depressing. I’ll have to start ticking the 35-39 box on surveys etc. Oh well. Rahul keeps calling me an old woman.

About four weeks ago I managed to pull a muscle in my back which was not pleasant. Because I am an idiot and desperate to get rid of the muffin top I carried on working out until I realised that I was in quite a lot of pain. Two visits to the Doctor, four injections and 13 pills a day for seven days later I am feeling much better. It cost $500 but at least we are insured. I miss the NHS. I have no idea what you would do if you were poor and had no insurance in this country. It’s a shocking system. The Doctor prescribed Valium because it’s a muscle relaxant so I spent last week completely zonked. I have no idea how people get addicted to that stuff its bloody horrible!

We’ve had a few visitors over the last couple of weeks and have eaten out a lot. I really need to go on a health kick. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to go back to the gym in the New Year. We’re going skiing next week and I’m hoping that I’ll be able to do that – Rahul is not hopeful.

New York is really in the swing of Christmas now and the shopping areas are dreadful. I can’t for all the Europeans to go home – they are doing my head in! Lord knows how they all get through customs, some of them have so much stuff they can’t carry it!

I’ve just started working for Wango and its really interesting work. It certainly beats sitting at home. There’s also a possibility that I might start working in a Thrift shop which benefits the homeless. I’ve also bought a swanky new digital SLR camera. I have no idea how to use it but I’m reading through the manual and will be a pro in no time (!). I’ll start putting my images on Snapfish so you can all have a look.

On Thursday we’re going to see the Christmas Spectacular at Radio City Music Hall which is going to be sooooo tacky and on Saturday we’re going to see the Knicks (basketball) play which should be good.

Have a very Merry Christmas and a great 2007!