The Queens English

Yesterday Stephen Fry said that anyone with a cut glass British accent can be a successful actor in the US just because of the way they speak.

I tend to agree with him. I have been told that my accent is “cute”, “awesome” “like the Queen’s” and “funny” on many occasions.

I would like to clarify that I do not have an upper class accent. I come from London not Surrey or Berkshire.

Yesterday I went to the dry cleaners to have some trousers shortened. It took me about five minutes to explain that I wanted them shortened to 27 and a half inches. The man in the cleaners looked at me. He scratched his head a few times, looked very perplexed and said 27 and a her? I said no, half, he said what and so I said it again (five more times actually). In the end I wrote it down and he looked at it and said ah, a half.

We live in Battery Park. Or Ballery if you are American. The fact that there are two T’s (count em) in Battery seems to make no difference. And try telling the barrista in Starbucks that you want a tall cappuccino. I have lost count of the number of times I’ve been given TWO cappuccinos. I now ask for a regular which suits me as I hate having to use Starbucks speak anyway.

Once on a visit to Cape Cod I sat next to a man who asked me where I was from. I said London and he asked me where that was (yes he really did). I said England and he said “Oh that’s part if Ire-Land isn’t it?” I said actually it was close to Indonesia and he nodded his head.

Someone once asked me if I knew so and so from Kent. I said no, Kent was a big place and actually I’m from London. She looked at me like I was crazy and then said but I thought England was smaller than Texas. I replied that yes it was but there were still millions of people living in it.

Apparently Denise Van Outen has to take elocution lessons to help her get rid of her Essex accent. Americans don’t like it by all accounts. So if you have an accent like Hugh Grant in Four Weddings you’re OK, but if you sound like Pauline Fowler (sorry Denise) then you’ve got a problem.

As they would say in Brooklyn fugedaboutit.

That means forget about it apparently.

Name that tune

I love music. It gets me up in the mornings, it makes me run faster in the gym. Sometimes it makes me cry but most of the time it just makes me feel good.

Except when I hear crap lyrics. Sometimes I hear a song and I just think “what the hell was that?” It makes me cringe.

Take “Mancunian Way” by Take That. Now I really like Take That (yes, I’m sad) and I like their new album a lot. Except for aforementioned song. It’s just not very good. At one point Gary/Howard/Mark/other one sings “We used to think we were the bomb, then they dropped a real one”. Hmmm, not exactly poetic is it?

And what about this little gem from Lemar? “Cruising down the A406”. Very glamourous. It has a certain ring to it don’t you think?

And how many times have we heard these beauties?

“It’s Friday and I just got paid”

Phone conversation:
Man in deep, gruff voice: “Hey baby, what you doin?”
Girl in high pitched squeaky voice: “Hey honey, nutin’ I’m just waiting for you. I’m not wearing any underwear”
Man: “I’m comin’ over right now sweetness”

“Throw your hands in the air and wave em like you just don’t care”.

“Make some noise”

“Say ho-oh”

The list goes on and on and on.

My Room 101

As you have probably guessed there are a lot of things in this world that really get me annoyed. Ignorance, rudeness, racism, the list goes on and on and on. People annoy me too and here are my top ten annoying people (celebrities). Please note that this is just a selection of people who annoy me, there are lots, lots more.

1. Madonna - because she’s far too old to be wearing a leotard and even worse she’s married to a Mockney fool who makes awful films.

2. Bono – because he thinks he’s God and he encourages people to give their money to charity while squirreling away his own and evading taxes (allegedly). Doesn’t charity begin at home Mr Hewson?

3. Diana Ross – because she has big hair and an ego the size of Manhattan.

4. Jodie Marsh – for some bizarre reason she thinks she looks fabulous wearing a belt that just about covers her nipples. Jodie honey – LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

5. Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow – annoying Yoga couple who waffle on about macrobiotic diets. Coldplay were great when they started out, now they are just trying to be U2. Chris Martin used to just sing and play the piano. Now he does somersaults on stage. It must be stopped.

6. Paris Hilton. A prime example of someone who did not benefit from having an expensive schooling. Just goes to show that money can’t buy you intelligence. Or class come to think of it.

6. Robbie Williams. I’m fed up with his tortured soul routine. It’s boring.

7. Britney Spears. Note to self: if you do not want the paparazzi to hound you, it’s a good idea to wear knickers when you go out and not shave your head in public.

8. Pete Doherty. A complete waste of space. Pretends to be a tortured soul (see Robbie Williams) but is just a junkie who happens to have a famous girlfriend. And he couldn't write a good song to save his life.

9. Kate Moss. Answer me this Kate, when you are out partying with Junkie Pete, who’s looking after your daughter? Perhaps you should be spending more time with her and less time in the ladies.

10. Peaches Geldof. Dreadful dreadful child.

Going green

Ok, yesterday it was a balmy 67 degrees. People were sitting outside eating their lunch and you had to wear sunglasses. Tomorrow it’s going to snow. Yes that’s right, snow.

This freak weather is really scary. I watched Al Gore’s ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ a few weeks ago and it really got me worried.

Americans are not really very eco-friendly. OK, that’s probably a generalisation but in my experience being green in NY means celebrating the national day of drunkenness (St Patrick’s Day). They drive everywhere, get on a plane at the drop of a hat and all the lights in Time Square must use up enough energy to light a whole town for a year.

I was watching the news yesterday and there was a piece about light bulbs. If every American switched to using eco friendly light bulbs the amount of energy saved is phenomenal (they also save you money too). It’s a no brainer right? Wrong, it seems that some Americans don’t want to switch because the bulbs “look funny” (yes that is a direct quote from a woman being interviewed). I screamed at the TV when she said that causing my boyfriend to ask me if I was OK.

Our apartment has the worse lighting system ever. We have three lamps (without eco friendly bulbs) and no main light. This means that you have to have all three lamps and the light in the hallway on in order to get enough to light to read (and it’s still too dark). My eyesight has gotten worse since I moved here because I have to sit right underneath a lamp to see the words on the page. Same goes for the bedroom – three lamps and no overhead light. Hello, wouldn’t it have been simpler to install a main overhead light?

And then there’s the supermarket. They have these plastic bags which say “new stronger style, no need to double bag”. So, what do the cashiers do? Yep, they double bag. I get so exasperated having to say every time “no it’s OK, I don’t need TWO bags”.

And how about the fact that here in our apartment block we can’t recycle glass? Or the fact that everything has twice as much packaging as it really needs?

I’m not saying that Americans are the only people to not embrace being green but when I hear them complaining about the weather I really want to scream.

Being green isn’t really optional anymore and I think that a lot of people still don’t understand that it doesn’t mean you are a long haired hippy, it just means you want to preserve our planet for future generations.

There, rant over

I hate winter

OK, I’m going to have a moan. Today it’s -12 degrees. It’s freezing. When I went out earlier I thought my lungs were going to freeze over. The wind cuts right through you. It’s horrible. I hate it.

In case you hadn’t worked it out I don’t like winter very much. I often think about doing a bear and hibernating until Spring. Then someone told me that bears don’t hibernate for the whole of winter – they have to emerge to scoff more food. Hmmm, I quite like the idea of sleeping for four months. Why can’t they just stock pile?

I hate the fact that you have to wear so many layers you end up looking like a Sumo wrestler. And the fact that it takes about 15 minutes to take all your layers off. Inevitably you end up losing one glove or your nice new woolly hat.

I have almost passed out on the tube because it’s so damn hot and I have nowhere to put my coat. I think London Underground should install coat racks during the winter time.

Yesterday it snowed. Snow looks pretty for about an hour. Then people start walking over it and cars turn the pristine white stuff to a grey, horrible mess. And don’t get me started on salt. Not only does it ruin your shoes by leaving horrible white stains but it also gets into doggies paws and makes them sore.

Yes I hate winter. Central heating makes your skin dry out, hats make your hair go flat and you look like a yeti.

And don’t get me started on summer. Having to show off your wobbly bits, having to use fake tan so you don’t scare the locals who might think you were a ghost….

Peers

It’s been a while since I last wrote a blog. And it’s not because I ran out of things to say. No no no. That would never happen. I have a million things to write about, it’s just that I haven’t had the time.

I’ve just been reading about the Lord Levy saga in the UK. Yep, he’s been up to no good again (allegedly of course). Don’t you just love New Labour and all it stands for? If you give them money (or perhaps know someone on the nomination panel) they’ll make you a peer. I love it. Its democracy at is finest.

Forget about actually contributing something to society, no, with New Labour it’s all about who you know. Hob nob with the right people and you’ll go far. Apparently the nominations process is soon to be a thing of the past and a fairer voting system is to be put into place. Of course the Tories are up in arms about this because it means hereditary titles will be scrapped. So Tobias Poncenby Smyth can’t automatically get a seat just because he’s posh and happens to have a big house in Gloucestershire. Oh dear.

Don’t get me wrong I do think there is a place for peers, I just think they should be elected via a fair voting system. I bet there are quite a few Baronesses and Lords who wouldn’t be there right now if this system was in place.

People should sit in the Lords on merit, not because they know someone on the nomination panel or because they can name drop a few MPs. They should be there because they contribute something of value to society. Working for a pseudo charity or having a double barrelled name isn’t enough I’m afraid.

Apparently Tony Blair thinks that having a few non-political careerists in the Lords is a good thing and I agree with him. It’s a very good thing. There are a number of peers who are there because they have been recognised as being influential, forward thinking, innovative etc. However, there are also many peers who are there because it was always their intention to become a peer. Having a title gives one a bit of power and also looks great on a wedding invitation. No matter that you haven’t actually contributed anything of value to society or even to the world of business.

Welcome to British politics folks.