Public transport

Now this is one of my favourite topics. Public transport seems to bring out the worst in people and many of them turn into one of the following breeds.

How many have you spotted?

ipod ignoramus
The ipod ignoramus is a little bit deaf so handle with care. This breed likes to listen to its ipod very very loudly. So loudly in fact that you are unable to hear your own ipod even though you are sitting at the other end of the carriage. This breed has adopted a rhythmic nodding of the head as well as an irritating knee twitch. Sometimes it hums or sings, note also that it is tone deaf. It has little regard for anyone sitting next to it and if you ask it to turn their music down it is highly likely to turn it up even louder. Related to this breed is the music muppet who likes to listen to music (usually music with lots of profanities or a really awful techno beat) via its mobile phone. This breed obviously cannot afford headphones. Do not ask it to turn it down. It is likely to stab you.

Favourite tube stations: the ipod ignoramus is not fussy.

The creature with tunnel vision
Often seen reading the Financial Times, this breed seems to have developed 'tunnel vision'. Strangely this breed is unable to see the pregnant woman standing two feet away from it. Neither is it able to see the elderly gentleman clinging on to the handrail for dear life or the person with a white stick trying to find a safe place to stand. So engrossed is it in its pink paper that it does not realise that its legs are actually taking up two seats (this particular breed is usually male) and that its newspaper is now touching the person sitting next to it. As you are trying to get passed the suit I suggest grinding your heel (this works best with a stiletto heel) into its foot. You will hear its primeval roar in the next carriage.

Favourite tube stations: Moorgate, Bank, Liverpool Street and Aldgate.

The door/pole hogger
Ah yes, this particular breed seems to be the bane of most commuter’s lives. The door/pole hogger seems to have developed a relationship with inanimate objects. It is quite insecure and always has to have something to cling on to. It seems totally incapable of stepping out of the carriage to let others passed or moving down the carriage. As you try and get passed this breed I suggest that you give him a swift poke in the ribs.

Favourite tube stations: the door/pole hogger doesn't care but quite likes rush hour

The tourist
The poor tourist. You have to feel a little bit sorry for this breed. It doesn't realise that it is not acceptable to smile, maintain eye contact or talk to anyone on the tube. It also doesn’t realize that there is a strict etiquette – push or be pushed. You can usually spot this breed a mile off, it stands on the wrong side of the escalator, peers frequently into a guide book and thinks that Leicester Square is pronounced Lye-ces-ter.

Favourite tube stations: Leicester Square, Piccadilly Circus, Westminster and Oxford Circus.

The person with really bad BO
You do not want to be standing next to this particular breed. Especially in the summer. This breed has the capability to knock you off your feet – literally. The invention of deodorant seems to have passed this breed by.

As you walk past this breed, I suggest you pop a roll-on into its pocket. It will thank you for it. Maybe.

Favourite tube stations: this breed is not really fussy but the more crowded the better.

Kebab Kid
Kebab Kid smells. A Lot. Mostly of takeaways and alcohol. The Kebab Kid thinks that it is perfectly acceptable to pollute the environment with the smell of greasy meat. Kebab Kid also likes to vomit. Particularly after consuming 10 pints of Stella and a kebab and chips. If you see Kebab Kid, move away.

Favourite tube stations: Leicester Square and Camden Town, particularly after 11pm.

The person with large rucksack
This breed is a bit stupid. It doesn’t realise that wearing a large rucksack on its back really really irritates people. It has no sense of space and distance (rather like a cat with no whiskers) and thinks that no-one will mind if it bumps them a few times.

Duck if you think this breed is about to turn around. If you don’t it may be painful.